Monday, November 28, 2011

Dear Denneh again.

Denneh writes:

How does one maybe actually get to see and play with old fictional friends who they haven't seen in foreverz?

Dear Denneh,

Picket's writer is currently playing Star Wars TOR like all amazing people. She has abandoned me, save for this little blog and the occasional picture on deviant art. When she is not playing Skyrim or SWTOR she is writing her novel (which will hopefully be finished soon... maybe) Also... cartoons and porn take up time... and... Captain Crunch... and... well lots of things distract her from me. Its a shame really... I am pretty fabulous. Whatever... she can suck a dick. A mountain of them. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Denny Dearest Writes:

Denny Dearest Writes:

When I grow up can I be just like you?

Dear Denny,

Now there is a question for the ages. and here lies the problem; you can not be like me when you grow up, as I, myself, will never grow up. Its for assholes. Who wants responsibility? Not me. Besides, I am fictional. I do not age. HA! Suck on that plastic surgeons! You can be like me in several key ways though. 1. Never clean up after yourself. Learn to love your own squalor. 2. shank people on the street for no reason 3. eat nothing but pizza, Twinkies, soda, and the souls of the young. This is your first step. PICKLEPRIDE!

Dear Professor Captain Dr. McEmo Grumpehpants:

Dear Pickles, 
Who in the Hell thought it was a good idea to let you out of your cage to give advice to anyone? 

Professor Captain Dr. McEmo Grumpehpants.

Dear Emoface,

I am still in the cage. I like it here... they feed me bananas whenever I want them. I get to fling poo at people. Its nice. Why would I ever want to leave? As for the advice thing... hell why not? There are bigger assholes doing it all the time. I've seen Dr. Phil...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Dear Swimming in the Shallow end of the Gene Pool

Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool writes :

Why is my sister so retarded?

Dear really long name,

Depending on if she is the younger, middle, or eldest sister there are several possibilities. If she is older: The tightness of your mother's vagina could have squashed her poor brain during birth. This is what I assume happened to my own dear sister. If she is the middle sister, assume she was dropped on her head by the elder. Pretty sure all older sisters drop the baby, usually on purpose. If she is the youngest, we all know that as women grow older the possibility for downs syndrome raises incredibly. She has Downs. Get her a helmet and a furry wall. In any event, the better question to be asking is "Where do I hide the body?" I suggest burning the remains, and mixing them in with concrete. I saw it on CSI once. Makes sense to me.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Dear Forever Alone

Forever Alone Writes:

How can I get girls to like me?

Dear Forever Alone,

Usually when one asks that sort of question, one or more of several things can be infered. 1. You have an extensive collection of pokemon cards/magic cards/or one of the other vagina repelling card games. 2. You live in your parents basement and have been "between jobs" for the last several decades. 3. You work as a greeter for wal-mart. And/or 4. You do not understand the mechanics of the vagina, it is akin to astro physics to you. If you said "thats me" to any one of these things, don't fear... I have help. If you said yes to 1: Put down the cards! Walk away slowly. Go to the local gym and start your excersize. Don't be afraid of sunlight... also... maybe try to move somewhere that no one knew you played children's cards games. 2: Get a job you fucking bum... shower/shave/brush the fuzz off your teeth. Great things are not handed to you, they are earned through hard work and ingenuity *pulls her 'dad' glasses down on her nose and looks over the top* Fucking hippies. 3: Call up your dentist and tell him he's a bitch... also... consider joining a biker gang. Those women may look like they've been run over by a bus or two, and left out to bake in the hot desert sun until their skin turns to beef jerky... but hey... its vag right? RIGHT! 4: I understand its hard to ask your woman what she wants when she keeps popping all the time, but well... there is always porn. Glorious porn... Hmmm what? Sorry... right... advice... so yea... there you have it. Lower your standards to nothing and you'll be fine :) 

Happy Porking!

Dear Machine Gun Mouth:

Machine Gun Mouth writes:

So exactly how do we ask questions again? Are there complete instructions? Why do I have to have a google account to ask you a question? Is this a plot to get my identity? Will these questions be recorded and used against me later? Are they answers guaranteed to be entertaining or are you just saying that? Will men in black coats show up at my door if I ask you how to make a woman happy? Are you wearing panties right now? Do the thought police only monitor me at night when the sunspot activity is shielded by the earth? Will my foil hat help? Will YOUR foil hat help stop them? Why did I pay 19.95 to ask you a question? Does part of that money go to charity? Are you a real person or are you a computer simulation pretending to be a person?

Dear Guy,
Being as you just successfully asked a question, that answers that. Congratulations! As for complete instructions... who really reads those things anyway. Just leave me a comment on a post, and I'll eventually get around to answering them. You need a google account because everyone knows google controls your brain. It knows all and sees all. Assimilate! Panties are for assholes. I wear extra strength super duty control top sweatpants. I am not really sure about the thought police... if you think about it, they know. So... I guess try not to think about it, and tinfoil hats seem to work for homeless people, save for the fact they are homeless... so... maybe give it a try. The $19.95 goes to a great charity actually... it goes to the "Get a starving stoner some chicken McNuggets fund". Its a worthy cause... the munchies are a hardship on many every day. I am a real fictional character, but then again, isn't there the small possibility that we all are fictional characters? Think about it... -really- hard. I just blew your mind. 

Sooo the fun begins!

Recently I was going through my old favorite websites folder, and found that I had this blog. It was used for something else long ago, and lay alone and dusty, serving no purpose. I could not let a poor website lose its reason for existence! I had to act quickly... but what to put here...? Then it hit me... I have ideas... I am opinionated... I say smart things sometimes... and really dumb shit other times. The Internet loves that sort of shit! Advice... That's the name of the game. You ask a question and I'll answer it. I don't care what the question is about. I can't promise a right answer, but I can promise it will be entertaining... maybe. Whatever fuck you. So what I need from you guys is to leave a question you want answered in the comments to this post, and then look for my answer to you in a new one. That is all. Shoo. You go do things now.

Picklepants OUT!

*vanishes into a cloud of mustard gas and Twinkies*

That's right... a CLOUD of Twinkies.